I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
