remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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