Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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