hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
