well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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