I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
