I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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