TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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