Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
