Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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