I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
