if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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