I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
