I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
