Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
