Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
