woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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