if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
