i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
