Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
