they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
