I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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