I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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