Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
