if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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