My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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