I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
