K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
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You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
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My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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