I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
