I'm eating all of the evidence.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
