I just threw up on my dentist
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
