Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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