What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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