i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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