I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
