WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
