I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
