She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
