you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
whose parrot is this?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
