Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
