Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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