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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
