I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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