I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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