Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.