worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
