hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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