Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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