Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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