I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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