he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
