i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
