so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
