last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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