He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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